Jealousy is part of grief, right?

I should write my thoughts down during the DAY. That would probably give a much more balanced representation of my overall state of mind and heart. I am quite peaceful during the day, but I feel fragile at night. Like people shouldn’t drive while drunken, I shouldn’t write while emotionally unstable. At night is when I feel lost. Scared. Empty. Betrayed.

So. Today was a wonderful day! Yesterday I felt lonely and misunderstood. Today though, I felt the complete opposite. This morning I got together briefly with my friend Sarah, who has become very special to me during this pregnancy. Today she blew me away with some thoughts that she had written down (!) about me and Nolan and subtle suggestions on how to reflect on this profound experience. It’s hard to put in words why she has touched my heart so much in the last few weeks, but all I can say is that she makes me feel very special and very proud to have been Nolan’s mom.

I am also proud to report that I brought Imani to gymnastics. One of those moments that I have been dreading, because I wasn’t quite ready to face “the other parents” and there questions (or silence, what is worse?). I thought it went well. There were only a few people there, watching their kids behind the window, balancing on beams and attempting to do cartwheels. One of the moms in particular I really like. I don’t know her that well yet, but she’s easy to chat with. I felt instantly okay to tell her my story today.

But here comes the ugly part. There was another mom at gymnastics – she’s about my age – who I have known for quite a while, through our daughters. A year and half year ago, she confided in me that she was trying to conceive again. And since I was too (for quite a while actually), we kind of kept each other posted on our 'progress'. None for me. But she got pregnant only a few months after she announced her intention. I am not ashamed to say that I was a little (okay, a lot) jealous of her. Her pregnancy didn’t go so smooth (she had strict bed rest), but at least she has a healthy baby. Right after her baby was born, I found out I was pregnant. And for a while I wasn’t envious of her.

She is a sweet girl. She doesn’t deserve me being jealous of her (and hopefully she is totally unaware of this unattractive side of me). But just because of the fact that we were both 'trying' at the same time, I am always comparing myself with her! That could have been me, sitting there with a healthy baby by now! Well, she's the one holding the baby. I just sat next to her today, with my hidden pain.

I didn’t break down, I didn’t cry, I wasn’t rude OR resentful. I was just trying NOT TO FEEL anything. I'm getting really good at it. Until Norman came home from work, that is. It was that time of day again. The evening was falling. He asked me about my day. I told him about my wonderful morning with Sarah. But the excitement of earlier that day, had vanished. Without any emotion I also told him about how well I handled the “hour with moms and babies” at Imani’s gymnastics class. And that’s when I felt it bubbling up: the jealousy! How ugly! In my saddest “poor me” voice I told my husband how UNFAIR (I might even have used the f-word in front of it) it is that she and I were both trying to get pregnant (me a lot longer than her) and that she now has a baby and I STILL HAVE NOTHING. Tears… that’s all I have!

My sweet husband - who has been very understanding and supportive so far - tried to cheer me up. But his attempt was quite sorry. He said all the wrong things. Something about us having another chance. I don't want another chance. I wanted this baby! What does he think I am? Eightteen? My “poor me” now started foaming around the mouth. It hit me: this is all his fault (got to blame somebody, right, and I can't keep blaming God or I might not go to heaven). I nastily started BLAMING NORMAN for still being empty handed after all these years. I reminded him – screamingly and with slamming doors for the extra dramatic effect – that I have been longing for another child ever since Imani is born and that HE made me wait too long, HE even had us discuss the whole baby issue with a counselor for months and months on end. And now look! Nothing! Why had he not been more cooperative? Why did he waste all my precious and fertile time? Do NOT say to me that we will have another chance. “Do you know how old YOU are?” I yelled at him. You will look like the grandfather! (Never mind me being 35+ of course).

So there you have it. Would I have written this post at 5.00 pm, it would have been about how good my day was. But I didn’t write it at 5.00, I am writing now, at 10.00 pm. I think it is time to go apologize to my husband.

Comments

[daph]

Het is echt zo he? Je reageerd het altijd af op de persoon waar je het meest dichtbij staat...
Wat fijn dat je Sarah gevonden hebt die jou zo goed aanvoelt!

[marjolein]

Lieverd, 't zal er allemaal wel bij horen. Volgens mij is dit een vrij 'normale' reactie. Zolang je het maar weer goed maakt met Norm. na zo'n explosie!
(en gelukkig kent hij je ook langer dan vandaag...)

[ber]

what struck me most in your story is the fact that you keep trying to control your emotions for the outside world. and how well I understand this, my believe still is: that's impossible and a denial of the signs you get from your body. that's why, I guess, your evening and nights are so hard to get through: now no one can see or hear you.
sweetie, it's so hard to do the 'right' thing. because what's right for one person can be totally wrong for you, isn't it? and yet I think you are doing so so well already!! and so is norman in my opinion! because you can really give your love ones a hard time every now and then... but that's what love ones are for too, I'm sure. as daphne already mentioned. you yell the most at the ones you know deep in your heart will never leave you. and thank god they're there!!

[lexi]

Did you go and apologise?
Sorry I couldn't spend more time with you earlier ... I wish I'd got the whole story then.
Everyone needs to ventillate - and you deserve to be ventillating your anger at least once a day. There is only so much "grinning and baring it" that a person can do in a day, and by the end of the day (unfortunately when Norman comes home), you are naturally about ready to burst .... I say slam all the doors you like ... come and slam mine if you need to!
You are doing remarkably well Jess, but dont fool yourself and rush it ... (I think I've said that before) ... the grieving process takes time, as it should, and has many levels, as you already know. xxx

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