The good news is: the extremely blue feeling I had in Paris, has lifted and is now reduced to just a few daily tears of dispair. I guess you could consider that "back to normal". After all, my new "normal" is with a few tears each day. I don't even think much of it anymore.
The 'bad' news is: I think I am suffering from hypochondria. Ever since Nolan's death, I've been o-b-s-e-s-s-e-d with dying. Especially in the beginning, thoughts of death would paralyse me. Thoughts of my daughter dying (that would be unbearable for me), or what if I would no longer be here (Jezus, Imani would grow up without me, and nobody loves her more than I do). Or what if Norman dies right now? I would go crazy, he is my everything. My best friend, my lover, my rock. And yes.... before I know it, I am arranging funerals in my head, wondering if Imani would still go to Holland a lot if I'm not alive anymore, and may be Norman can marry my friend Lexi one day, because she really loves Imani and she is from Europe as well, so she understands that overseas connections are important (plus, she is hilariously funny and has great legs). Gosh, if Norman would die, what the hell would I do on that remote island, without any single men? And no job? But than again, our lifes are there now, our friends, her school, her half-brother, who she adores. Would we just leave?
Told you. OBSESSED.
I am a firm believer in the power of thought. What you think, becomes true. You shape your future with the thoughts that you think. Think positive thoughts, and they'll manifest. Think negative thoughts, and that's what you'll attract. So REALIZING that I am fearing death, that I am thinking of worst case scenario's, I got scared even more. "Jezus Jess, now you are creating bad things for yourself!". Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.
Ever tried to tell yourself to NOT think about something? Doesn't work. You'll think about it even more. I have known that from the first time I started my first diet. The moment you are not allowing yourself to eat chocolate, that's ALL you can think about.
I couldn't just tell myself "It's okay, sweetie, it's normal that 'death' is on your mind. Your foundation has just been severely rocked and you've experienced first hand how fragile life is. This too shall pass, just be in it". Because... being IN it, might mean that I think about it too much, and thinking about it too much might mean I am starting to 'create' something.
What does all this have to do with my newly (self) diagnosed hypochondria? Well, I've finally gotten to a point where I can replace any thoughts of Norman re-marrying some cold hearted new mother for Imani (since Lexi is actually already married), with happy thoughts of us being far in our nineties and having 10 grand children who all visit us every Sunday and we live long and happily ever after. I thought I was in the safe zone again. I am healing, I am getting better.
Not. Now I FEEL things. Physically, I mean. My left breast has this on and off nagging pain, radiating to my arm pit sometimes. Instantly I think I have breast cancer (don't worry, I just had a clinical exam last week, to check it out). I am tired all the time (Oh my God, I must have lymphatic cancer). And recently, since I'm in Holland, I am having cramps in my lower belly. I am not imaging the nagging pain, it really is there. And Google-doctor as I am, I've come up with the conclusion that I must either have another ovarian cyst (and therefore will lose the one ovary that I have left) or that I suffer from returning endometriosis (which was removed only a year ago during my ovary operation). In both cases I will end up with infertility. Or may be it is cervical cancer after all? Jezus, why even get dressed today?
Of course it could also just be a stomach bug. But that doesn't linger for more than 14 days, does it?
This morning, I was walking up the stairs. I almost fainted. I got dizzy and my heart was beating so fast, that I nearly thought it couldn't cope anymore. "Should I wake Imani up and teach her the Dutch 911 number?" (which is 112 by the way, should you ever come here).
I am feeling better now. Except for the belly cramps and the constant (and false) urge to go to the bathroom to get rid of the stomach bug, that isn't there.
My mom says I have too much idle time. That I should get up from the computer and take a long and refreshing beach walk. Norman says I should "see someone" in Holland. They're both right, probably. But I just can't get myself going. I have been in Holland for 2 good weeks now, and I hardly do anything. I am most happy in my pyama's all day, reading books on health. Yes. Health.
I should probably stop reading and go take that beach walk now. But I can't seem to get excited about it. And that's the whole thing: I can't get excited about anything anymore. I just go with the flow, all automatic pilot. I go to a party with friends. Have tea with another friend. But I'm not fully enjoying it. Like I used to.
It's not because of the sadness or grief. That is not dominating my days anymore. It's just this overall paralyzed feeling of not knowing where my life will go from here. I feel useless. And uninspired to change that.
Well, there is one thing that I am excited about. Tomorrow I am going to this national gathering of alternative therapists and paragnostic healers and readers. I know, only loosers and extremely insecure and instabile people go to fortune tellers. Only the ones that can't look within for answers, let somebody else "read" them. Oh my, did I become one of those people? I guess. Because I am really hoping for some sort of a break through. A sign of God. And since (s)he is not really talking to me, I figute I would go try the channelers. If only one person there can "channel" with my son, if only one person can give me some answers why all this happened to me. There must be a reason, right? What I am supposed to do with the rest of my life? Get pregnant again, or just forget about it and move on? If ony I know, THAN I can get up from the sofa and get dressed again. Feel inspired again. Fully enjoy life agan. Look within myself again... and know that all is well in my life. I just want to know that all will be well again. Because I don't like who I am right now.
Oh, Jess! Het is zo herkenbaar. Toen Kenzo 2 was of zo heb ik dit wel twee jaar gehad. Als de dood dat iemand in mijn omgeving er tussenuitkneep of erger nog...dat Kenzo iets zou overkomen, en wat als Kenzo s'ochtends wakker zou worden en ik was dan net overleden aan een hartinfarct o.i.d. hoe moest ie dan iemand waarschuwen? En dan zouden ze Kenzo en mij pas weken later vinden? Maar ik leed ik stilte niemand mocht van mijn "afwijking" weten. Nu kan ik er hartelijk om lachen maar toen...! Het is niet zo gek dat je geen fut en puf hebt Jes, moet je eens kijken wat dit met je doet! Dat kost een energie! Maar het is voor jou ook een soort houvast, want als je deze gedachtes los laat, dan ben je weer "vrij" en dat mag van jezelf nog niet dat betekent wellicht dat je Nolan "los" moet laten...en daar ben je gewoon nog niet aan toe!
Voor morgen hoop ik echt dat je antwoorden krijgt!
En daarna die lekker strandwandeling maken ;)
xxx Bri xxx
Posted by: Bri | January 26, 2007 at 03:54 PM
Lieve Jess, ik kan je helaas niet helpen, weet even niet zo goed welke woorden ik moet gebruiken om je een klein beetje comfortabel gevoel te geven.. Ik heb zelf namelijk heel slecht nieuws gehad deze week, de bult die al een tijdje in mijn arm zit is zeer waarschijnlijk kwaadaardig.. (heb ik nog niet geblogd, komt t.z.t. wel online) dinsdag word ik geopereerd en daarna duurt het twee weken voor de uitslag er is. Op dit moment zit ik dus nogal in de rats, wil ik wel laten weten dat ik aan je denk, maar ook dat er niet zoveel ruimte in mijn hoofd is voor andermands sores. Ik hoop dat die beurs je wat heeft geholpen!
Toch een big hug voor jou!
xx Merel/Aderyn
Posted by: Aderyn | January 27, 2007 at 05:56 AM
Aderyn, heel veel sterkte!!!
Posted by: Bri | January 27, 2007 at 04:04 PM
Aderyn, heel veel sterkte dinsdag. Ik denk aan je en hoop op een goede afloop waar alles enorm mee blijkt te vallen.
(((knuffel))) jess
Posted by: jess | January 28, 2007 at 08:51 AM
Aderyn,
lees nu pas je berichtje. Ik hoop zo dat alles voorspoedig is gegaan. Sterkte de komende tijd!!!!
Posted by: Natascha | January 30, 2007 at 01:18 PM
De operatie is goed gegaan, zoals het er nu uitziet is het goedaardig! Godzijdank!
Nu nog wel veel pijn naturlijk, maar ik ben alweer een dag terug uit het ziekenhuis en ga nu rustig herstellen bij mijn ouders thuis!
xx Aderyn
Posted by: Aderyn | February 01, 2007 at 03:39 AM
Lees dit stukje net pas maar wil toch nog reageren. Oh jess, je moest eens weten hoe vaak ik in gedachten al niet mijn begrafenis voor me heb gezien. Wie er allemaal zijn, wat ze zeggen, welke muziek er wordt gedraaid. Of de begrafenis van mijn moeder en welke woorden ik dan spreek. Tot huilens toe. Ik schaam me daar voor. Of ik ben zo bang dat Dominic iets overkomt dat ik als hij naar buiten gaat op de fiets wel tien keer roep, doe voorzichtig. En ja, die moedervlekken van mij lijken dan ineens wel weer gegroeid en veranderd. Ik heb er zelfs foto's van gemaakt om van tijd tot tijd te checken. En ga zo maar door. Je bent dus niet de enige..
Posted by: mo | February 12, 2007 at 05:52 PM