Back home, wherever that may be

Back on the island that I love and hate.

Being back here is both hard and nice. Hard, for the obvious reason that I feel I came back to "nothing". Everything here on the island and in the house reminds me off the pregnancy. My bedroom has never been the same. It just reminds me off all the bed rest. All the long days during summer, filled with worries while others were frolicking at the beach. My bedroom also reminds me of all the sleepless nights full of tears. Even looking outside, seeing the cold crisp weather and the watery sunshine, makes me think of how I should have been pushing a stroller today. With my baby all bundled up and snug against me in the Baby Bjorn. 

It is also good to be back. For the mere reason that I am ready to make a change. I need to start taking better care of myself. Enough with the chocolates. How long can you continue to eat out or pity? And enough with the wine too. It never did numb me the way I was hoping for. It always took the edge of, though. Enough, also, with being sloppy, lazy, aphetic and passive. Sure, I was trying to just get through the days in the beginning. But than it turned into an excuse for not living my life. This is not how I want to continue my life. Unorganized, uninspired and unaware of the rest of life. It's a vicious spiral that I need to break.

The tears have been flowing freely since I am back. Not all day long - thank God. But at unexpected moments. Quick and short, but always intense. And that's okay. It's almost as if I am now finally letting go. Letting go of the mourning process. I am saying goodbye to my daily pj’s. I am no longer using my "situation" as an excuse to slack. I am letting go of the beat up attitude. I am letting go of the pity for myself. I need to be in my power again. Well, I’ll try. Because damn, those chocolates are so good. And they DO give you a quick fix of happiness when you feel anything but good about yourself.

So, I'm going to turn my life around. Don't really know where to start. But this is the perfect time to do it. The island is in a state of hibernation. People are either gone or preferring to stay in their own homes. Social live is on the backburner. It is time to read, sit by the fire with my family, reflect on what has happened and slowly reintroducing the healthy habits. Like exercising. Meditation. Picking up my diary again (and actually write in it). Looking for a job or study may be? And turn off the computer more often, which will be a hard habit to kick. Last night Norman was telling Imani stories by the fire. She sat on his lap, with this look of admiration in her eyes. I was sitting in another room, behind the computer. I could hear her laugh out loud. That's when I realized: I am no more fun! I am mourning one child, but I still have another beautiful child that needs attention. Much more undivided attention than I give her these days. Months.

So, lot's of new resolutions. Two of my friends are fasting right now. I won’t go that far. Not this year. After all, I still cry a lot (no, I totally don't see the parallel with fasting either, but I figured I would use my excuse one more time). Even if I just cut out the chocolates and wine and start exercising again, that will be such an improvement from the state that I am in now. Damn... I am almost getting excited.

Almost.

Comments

[lexi]

Sounds like a good next step honey.

[ber]

remember.. take one step at a time.. kisskiss

[Karen]

Hello! Just here to wish
tranquility,
happiness,
contentment,
peace,
good health &
love
to you and your family.
Below are words from your journal, and they are terrific..
..I feel so appreciative of what I DO have. A wonderful husband, a beautiful daughter, loving and supportive friends and family, freedom, the sunshine.
Take Care & Merry Christmas!
"Behold, God is my salvaton,
I will trust and not be afraid."
Isaiah 12:2