Guess not.

Well, that was quite a week. I am learning so much these days. Mainly to sympathise with other people. Before all this I could not really FEEL their fear, pain and despair. The last half year has humbled me so much. I now know that "having children" is not just something you want and do. I mean, I KNEW that of course. But I can FEEL it now. I really really feel for other people. I can also relate more with people who are depressed, have anxieties and even a tad bit with people who are very sick. Not that I am, THANK GOD THANK GOD THANK GOD. But having these anxiety attacks at night, tossing and turning in the dark, and just THINKING I might die any moment soon, let me brush with fear of death. The insecurity. The powerlessness of it all. It is overwhelmingly terrifying! And mind you... I don't even have a medical reason to feel this way (although I truly believe otherwise in the middle of one of those severe anxieties). Like last Tuesday morning during workout class? I felt my heart pounding so heavy during stretches (during warm-up guys!) that I kept thinking "oh my God, if my heart is already beating this fast, what will happen to me later on in class, when things really get intense?". I got scared. I was doing my squats and trying to stay sane. I was looking around me. Nobody seemed to notice a thing. At least I am not turning blue. I kept going and telling myself to "get it together". But all I could see was myself in the ER. This is a little awkward for me to share here, because I know what others think (I know my own husband does): what is she talking about? Is she losing it? I hear you! I used to think so about others. I mean, I believed them to some extend. But I could never understand why they couldn't "just" think differently. Snap out of it already, will you?

Well, let me tell you: you can't. I left the class to sit in the lockerroom for a few minutes. Or so I thought. I just wanted to take a few deep breaths and feel better. Resume the class. Instead, the few deep breaths only made it worse. I started crying. Out of the blue. And then I started sobbing. I felt so sorry for myself. What the hell is wrong with me? I got up this morning feeling just fine and now look at me. Called the doctor from my cell phone, in the lockerroom. Still uncontrollably sobbing, I asked him if I could just come over and sit there in his office (which, conveniently, is in the hospital, right next to the ER). I just wanted to be there. Just in case. That was the only thought that calmed me down. I just want to go to the hospital and be there. That's all. Can you see it now? A hysterical woman in the corner of the docter's office, just sitting there. And other patients asking the doc "who is that?". "Oh, THAT?" Don't mind her, she just wants to sit here all day. Makes her feel safe."
Of course I didn't do that (even though they said I could, I love this smalltown hospital!). Instead I grabbed my stuff and went home. As soon as I got in the car, I already felt better. It had disappeared. The overwhelming feeling of losing control had vanished... and I was left wondering what the hell that was. And how a normal, healthy and relatively happy person like me, can feel like this. Out of the blue, at any given moment, without a warning. Am I going mental?

That must be it. Because the doctor ran some medical tests this week and my heart beat is normal (although rapid) and my bloodwork is fine too. The only thing that they DID find during an abdominal ultrasound was new ovarian cysts. Isn't that just great? But at least I won't die from those. Not tonight.

Now "they" want me to have a repeat ultrasound in 2 months. I don't know if I should freak out or not. Remember last time they found a cyst, which is less than a year-and-half ago? It was so big it had "eaten up" my left ovary. Even though the new cysts are small and not anywhere near the size of a grapefruit this time around, I am not very pleased with the news. Since you only get two of those things, I don't want to lose the one remaining ovary. It's very precious to me. I want to keep it. The doctor reassured me that it could very well just be because I was ovulating at that time (which, hurray, I was!). So before I freak out again, let's just wait another 2 months to see if they have disappeared.

I don't think I will panick though, not now, not tonight and not in the gym. Because my homeopath gave me a new remedy yesterday. To help me with the unexpected anxieties. I don't know what she gave me this time, but boy... I feel GOOD. Even the news from the doctor this morning didn't bother me. Her wonder pills really make me feel better. That, or may be it's the whole bowl of chocolate easter eggs I just inhaled. Just in case, I'll have to stay on both remedies.

Comments

[lexi]

Dont you think that a mild dose of some kind of anti-depressent might be a good idea, just as a temporary thing so you can even things out a bit. I never thought I would hear myself say that, but I do know it has worked for other people I know and "being on anti-depressents" isnt such a negative thing as it used to be, (I think you know that). Come on Jess, you have been through a major trauma, you are only human and can only deal with so much without help.
I know you want to get pregnant now, and dont want to jepoardize that, but all this extra anxiety wont be helping. Mend one thing at a time and the rest will fall into place. I dont know if this is good advice honey, but I'm here for you and support you in whatever you decide. It will be ok.

[Kristi]

hang in there, girl. I'm thinking of you.
Kristi

[Aderyn]

xxx