Turned 36 this weekend. And guess what I got?
HEART PALPITATIONS.
That's right! Three days after my birthday - not THAT old - I was sitting in the hospital between the 70+ folks who were getting their heart monitor attached to their bodies. And so was I. Wires everywhere. My heart is being screened for 24 hours, to make sure I am not having any unusual heart thing going on (or - more likely - to prove that it's all between my ears).
The doctor suspects post-traumatic anxiety. Once he heard my story (it's a new doctor for me), he replied "Oh that's YOU that delivered in the ER? I've been working in the hospital for 30 years and nothing like that ever happened. I wans't on duty that night, but the doctor who was, has been upset about it for days!".
She was upset? I didn't know what to think of this response. So I cried instead. If it made that much impact on the doctors, may be it isn't so strange after all for me to still be dealing with the aftermath six months later.
For 5 days I felt my heart going crazy. But the moment they attached the monitor, it stopped. Go figure, I walk around looking like a wired undercover agent and my hear starts beating normal. Dangit! Now I feel foolish. Not that I want to prove that anything is wrong wit me, but I also don't like to see doctors for false alarm. 
Really doc, last week my heart has been acting up. Heavy poundings, quick flutterings, irregular beating. Hot flashes. Dry mouth. I was scared. I thought I was dying. And now that you are monitoring me, nothing happens. Don't you hate that?
I guess I should just be grateful that the palpitations stopped. They were so freightning. I woke up from it, in the middle of the night, honestly thinking I was having heart attack! I know what you're thinking... classic symptoms of anxiety. You don't need a monitor. And may be you're right. But the thing is: I was peacefully asleep! No anxiety.
Yet, everything points in that direction. And if I didn't have anxiety last week, I defenitely got it now! I can't remember having been this scared in a long time. I haven't slept a wink all week, staring into the darkness and "listening" to every beat of my heart, pounding way too fast and way too loud. I was compulsively counting my racing pulse while looking at the red lights of the alarm clock, wondering if I was dying. Yes. Really. Does it take long, or is it quite sudden? Will I have time to wake Norman up or will it be when he is gone on his business trip tomorrow? (looking back... I think what might have triggered all this, was the fact that Norman was leaving for a few days and subconsiously it might have brought back ANXIETY - yes - of being home alone ... just like the night that Nolan died, I DO have some fear around being home alone and something happening to me)
Pleasant thoughts for the early morning hours, huh? Try falling asleep with a racing heart and a racing mind. Once you start paying attention to your heart beat (which, by the way, is impossible NOT to, once you FEEL your heart), things get worse. Did it skip? Did it skip? Is it still beating?
I think I am doing pretty good. Considering. I am still not seeing anyone (as in 'shrink') and I am still not using anything (as in 'anti-depressents'). Even though I did see a EFT practitioner today. I returned the monitor to the hospital today. The palpitations have gone, so I assume that I can now officially scratch "heart attack" (thank you God, really) and add "anxiety" to my repetoire of grief symptoms. According to my friend "Google", this is a perfectly normal reaction. Isn't that nice to know? Freaking out in the middle of the night is perfectly normal.
Het is al ellendig genoeg allemaal. En dan "krijg" je dit er ook nog bij.
Bah! Maar gelukkig niks met het hartje!
Jessje hou je taai!! En geniet lekker van je massage vanmiddag.
xxx Bri xxx
Posted by: Bri | March 14, 2007 at 06:27 AM
Ik ken de paniek! Liep 's nachts over straat om maar weer rustig te worden. Sprak op straat vreemde mensen aan om maar m'n aandacht af te leiden van mijn hartslag en mijn ademhaling. Ik hoop dat je je weer goed voelt nu!
Posted by: Daph | March 15, 2007 at 10:08 AM
hello over there in
Makoniky( how do you spell that?)
are you on a blogging break?
how are you?
xo
amy
Posted by: amy | March 21, 2007 at 08:13 PM
http://search.live.com
If you do not wish to receive similar messages please inform us on it by mail ban.site[dog]gmail.com
Posted by: Google | November 17, 2008 at 04:47 AM
http://search.live.com
If you do not wish to receive similar messages please inform us on it by mail ban.site[dog]gmail.com
Posted by: Google | November 17, 2008 at 04:47 AM