Journal on pain, grief & healing

  • ABOUT MY JOURNAL
    On September 4, 2006 our son was born prematurely at 22 weeks 6 days. He didn't survive the delivery. We named him Nolan. This means ‘champion/ fighter’. The first week after his loss, we were in such a state of shock. We felt emotionally paralyzed. Friends and family call to ask how we are feeling. We say "fine" and "okay". But honestly? We don't even KNOW what we're feeling right now. The pain and emptiness is overwhelming. The emotions too raw to handle. The heaviness in my heart is aching in my whole body. Yet at other moments I feel so appreciative of what I DO have. A wonderful husband, a beautiful daughter, loving and supportive friends and family, freedom, the sunshine. I laugh, I cry and I try to pick up the pieces and move on. What else can I do? It has been such a traumatic experience. I feel the need to talk about it. Over and over again. But who can I keep bothering with my fear and tears, my anger, my confusion, my disbelieve, the jealousy, the disappointment, the hysteria in my head? I am not afraid to face this pain and emptiness. I know that there are lessons to be learned. I fear more that I'll move on too fast. That Nolan will be forgotten one day, that this profound experience in my life will be swept under the carpet soon. By others, or by myself! I don’t want the people around to feel uncomfortable with my grief. So I act strong. But I need to stay real. At least with myself. I NEED to write. So I won't lose my mind. So I won't forget the details. So I can track my progress toward healing. So YOU know how I am REALLY doing today if I say “fine”. And may be - one day – my journal can be of support to other women that have just lost their premature baby. Love and light, Jessica

« I want my mom. | Main | Let this be the last little bit. »

March 05, 2007

Thank God that is over with... for now.

Will anybody... ANYBODY... tell me to stay away from the computer when I am on my period next time? No, even better, just lock me up for those two evil days. Or put duct tape over my mouth. The things that come out of there during those days... I don't even recognize myself. Afterwards, but that's when the damage is already done. When I already hurt my husband. Say mean things. Feel utterly sorry for myself. What's up with all the drama?

Next month, I vow, I will refrain from any posting during hormonal fluctuations.

Thanks for taking me with a grain of salt yesterday.

Posted at 10:48 AM |

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Aderyn

Next time I'll tray to remember and warn you!

Posted by: Aderyn | March 05, 2007 at 02:59 PM

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