The gaps between my posts are getting bigger. Which means that the gaps between my tears are getting bigger too. It's not that I don't think about Nolan so much anymore. Because I do. Every day. But just like all the cliche's promised me: it becomes part of you. Like a new wrinkle or another big patch of cellulite on your already covered behind. You don't cry about it all day, every day anymore. You learn to live with it.
I still cry though. Not about the wrinkles or the cellulite (well, this week I did). But about Nolan. And how blissful it should have been. Mostly I cry when something unexpected happens. Like the woman at the passport agency who chose the empty chair next to me to sit on, naturally, while there were at least 20 other empty chairs. On her arm she had her 4 month old baby boy. I could have just changed seats. But I felt paralyzed. And yes, my mind ran of with the tought that I too could have had a 4 month old boy now. Boohoohoo.... explain that to a strange woman!
And sometimes I cry because I DO expect it. Like going to St Maarten this week (I am sitting behind the laptop on vacation!). I just knew I was going to hate the first day. Driving by the pharmacy where I bought the pregnancy test. Sitting on the bed where I read the big fat positive. Eating in the restaurant where Imani told the waitress that "mommy will be having a baby!" (thanks to Imani this never met before waitress knew our family addition before my parents even did).
And I did hate the first day of our holiday. Not only was I greatly disappointed because I still don't have a baby or even a next pregnancy. On top of that now I also hated looking in the mirror (which our timeshare has too many of, all fullsize too!) because my body and face show a year worth of grief. Is that really me in that mirror? Why do other people stop eating out of misery, but I just start eating double? It all stuck to my hips and belly. Of course... I was super-inactive while on bedrest. I have more stretchmarks because of the belly and inflated boobs filled with milk. And I ate eat away all my stress and sorrow. A familysized bag of M&M's each day since September. And I am not sharing with the family. Go figure (well, no more).
The second day of our vacation I found this book at the bottom of my suitcase. My sister-in-law had sent it to me and I had gotten it in the mail a day before we left for St Maarten. She even Fed-exed it. Which... looking at the title... concerns me a little. "Battlefield of the mind" by Joyce Meyer. Does she think I am crazy? Is she reading this blog (which will explain all)?
I am not sure if I am liking it yet. But I will continue to read. For starters, just by lookoing at the title I realized that the struggles are all taking place in my head. So somehow I was able to turn it around on day 2. Or it could be the pina colada's and rum punches. But I am much more relaxed, which means that the rest of my family is now also finally having a good time.
There are still some moments that hurt. Imani has been doing a lot of asking God for Nolan to "come back". Which makes my eyes fill up. And when she makes new friends on the beach, Nolan will be one of the first things she wants to tell them about. How do I know? Well, she met this 8-year old girl from from The Hague (where my parents live!) and when the girl came to sit on our towl for a little chit chat, this cute little 8-year old says "Imani told me you had a dead baby". What??? "Yes" the girl continued, "she told me she has two brothers, that one over there (pointing at Evan) and one who died in your belly!".
Now you understand why I am still reading that book my sister-in-law sent me? And now you understand also, why she felt compelled to Fed-ex it. So I could deal with little nosy 8-year olds on the beach and not fall into a deep depression on holiday. Of course any depression on St Maarten will only last until the next happy hour starts!
oh, Jess, I love, love, LOVE Joyce Meyer. I have not read "Battlefield of the Mind", but she's written a million books I think they're all great. I'm interested to hear your take on it once your finished.
I hope your vacation was fabulous in spite of the countless sad reminders and nosey 8-year-olds! You've come so far!!!!!
Posted by: Kristi | May 01, 2007 at 01:35 AM
The story sounds great,I love book of Joyce Myer.She is a great writer for me.Glad to hear from you the ending of that story,if you don't mind.
-Sarah
Posted by: St. Maarten island | January 28, 2009 at 03:41 AM
Expensive Supplements Or Long Gruelling Hours At The Gym!
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