Labor day & September 4th

For weeks I have been anxiously anticipating September 4th. I don't know why it was weighing me down so much. I just wanted to get that day behind me, so I could continue with life.

We have no cemetery to go visit his stone. We have no church to go to and light a candle. There are no special rituals we had in mind. The kids didn't even realize it was a special day. Norman and I had briefly talked about it. We didn't want to open up any old wounds, but we also didn't want the day to pass as if it wasn't a big momentum in our lives. Exactly one year ago our world stopped turning. Our dream fell apart. It was the first day of a very intense emotional year. And now that September 4th was around the corner again, there was reason to reflect and reason to celebrate that we were still going strong. That we healed most of our emotional wounds and that we have faith in the future again. Especially since we just found out we were expecting again. It sure took the edge of our pain.

We came up with this plan for the day: we would take a long beach walk on a very special beach, bring the ashes of Nolan that we still never gave back to mother Earth. Say some wonderful prayers, let the ashes go in the ocean, let a balloon go up for Nolan, may be the kids could make a drawing or poem, Imani wanted a birthday cake (and why not). It would be a good day. With just our family.

Instead it went all wrong. This year Labor day was on September 3rd. Somehow this day was harder for me than the actual September 4th date. It's just a date on the calendar, right? First of all... on Labor day I found myself in the hospital again. Miscarrying the early pregnancy that I was so thrilled about. I couldn't stop crying. How cruel to pick this day of all days to make me lose another baby. The rest of the day I was inconsolable.

The next day was September 4^th. We had no plans other than to remember Nolan. Spend some time together. But the repair man for the washing machine – who we had been waiting for for 2 weeks – could not give us an exact time when he would come by. So we ended up waiting in and around the house for him until almost 4.00 pm. We had promised Imani to go see Hairspray at the movies, because we initially thought it would have been a nice distraction after having done our beach ceremony. Now we went to the movies with never having done anything for Nolan. I was sad… but I didn’t want to disappoint Imani. And I surely needed my washing machine fixed.

So… I brought the ashes to the movies. In my pocket book. It felt weird, it made me giggle. I took Nolan’s ashes to the movies, how morbid is that?
After the movies the sky had turned into this beautiful late afternoon orange glow. The breeze was warm. The island was empty because all tourists had left the day before. We stopped at State Beach. Not the beach I had in mind for letting go of Nolan’s ashes. But we walked there anyway. It was nice. After some walking, we sat down and took the ashes out of my pocket book. It wasn’t heavy or sad. We sat in a little circle. We held hands. The red little wooden box in the middle.

Evan was the first to say a prayer that blew me away. Although his lip was trembling a little, he didn’t cry. Imani chose to not say anything. She was visibly uncomfortable and for a second I was in doubt if I should have brought all this back up again for her. Was it fair of me to let her relive this family trauma?

Norman said a prayer. It was beautiful. All I remember is how emotional he was and the one line “… although you didn’t make it into this world, you did make it into our hearts forever!”. The mood was getting a little more emotional now, but I was determined to keep it light.

I didn’t want to say a prayer. But I did want to thank my husband, daughter and stepson for all their patience this last year. For all their support and for putting up with my tears, my mood swings and my anger at times. I shared with them all the lessons I have learned from this experience. And I cried. It was a relieve. It still wasn’t sad. It was good this way. I have a beautiful family.

We divided Nolan’s ashes over our four hands. We rolled up our pants, stepped in the ocean with our feet. And let him go….

It was good.

Next we went to finally see the stone that my dear friend Lexi had organized to be placed at the Children’s Lighthouse Memorial. The sun was setting, Imani and Evan were playing around,

Norman and I held hands while staring at the stone. Lexi had been there before us. She and Noah had put flowers and shells on his stone. It all felt so warm. The sunset, the flowers, his name on a stone. We smiled at each other,Norman and I. We hugged.

And it was good.

Comments

[Marjolein]

Da's fijn Jess dat je toch een plekje hebt, ook al hoef je er niet perse heen te gaan. Wat lief van Lexi dat ze dat heeft gedaan, je boft maar met zo'n vriendin, heel bijzonder!

xxx

[Kristi]

Just gorgeous. What a wonderful way to remember Nolan and to celebrate how far your family has come this year. Indeed we are so blessed!

[Maura]

Jess, I know your day didn't turn out the way you had planned but it seems to have come out just right. I hope you still can feel that warmth and light. Sending you hugs... -Maura

[Becky]

The mental picture of you and your family sitting in a circle praying, loving and healing - that is beautiful.

I'm sorry the day didn't go as you planned, but it sounds like the perfect completion to your circle.

I think you are a very lucky woman to have such loving friends and family around you. And how fortunate they are that you know that.
Sending you love,
Becky

[Bri]

Prachtig, prachtig, prachtig zoals jullie het verlies van Nolan hebben herdacht.
xxx Bri

[Daph]

Mooi meis!

[Inari]

You write very well.